A - Z of 2012

This post is inspired by @Plumandpeach's #AtoZ2012 #2012InReview

A - Abah

This year I learned a lot about Abah. How sensitive he is, how insensitive he is, his strong and soft points. Being the only son, I look up to him. He's an idol of which his teachings and his understanding shapes me and I'd like to mould my children like he did to us. I love you, Abah.

B - B8.16.11

A unit of confined space which Aiman, Zul, Bogel, Stephen the Raju and I share our life as mahasiswa together. A magnificent apartment unit in a shitty apartment lot. This is where we start building our brotherhood, in a serene chamber which we call home with high speed internet and pillow talks; I could not wish it to be any perfect than this.

C - Classes
HECTIC year full of classes. The first 3 months I struggled with Business Maths and Principle of Finance while juggling between tutoring and co-curricular activities. I thought I was free from the suffocation of numbers and figure but NOOOOOOO. The last 3 months of 2012, I met with Business Statistics and Financial Management. Final examination is still on, I hope it turns out well. *sobb*

D - Dovahkiin

The cat that tried to flew from a high rise building but landed on his back. That's Dovahkiin - The dragon born; a name in which he stands for (NOT). Named after the main character of Skyrim as Aiman was obsessed with the game when Dovahkiin came into our lives. He's a black tom cat, with a pair of brown eyes and a little fracture in his left iris. He came and proved us we are not fit to have a cat and one day, he left us. Still waiting for him to come back home. Dovahkiin, we missed you.

E - Emotion

Emotions flair up in 2012. Mixed feelings of anger, depression, joyous and sorrow. Not much negativity this year, and am quite happy for that.

F - Family KEMSIS

KEMSIS, the greatest non blood related family I have ever had. The sole purpose of me coming to campus everyday because of KEMSIS. I know it supposed to be about studying and what not, but KEMSIS give me that sense of belonging when I needed the most. It's not just a club, it's a family. It's home.

G - Gardenia's Butterscotch
I eat more of this bread this year since it came into market 2 years ago, and I found someone who is into it as well! A classmate of mine, never saw him before the briefing for Telok Batik and was quite close during the retreat.

H - Hijrah

'To hijrah is easy, to istiqamah is hard'. Still trying to hijrah myself, struggling everyday. Lord, have mercy. Allahumma yassir wa la tu'assir, rabbi tammim bi khair.

I - Ica

A school girl. Took PMR this year and did great. Cried when Zul, Aiman and me sang her 'Happy Birthday' over the phone. My little sister likes to be alone, she may seemed lonely but inside of her head lies dastardly plots to take over the world by storm while still can layan Youtube.com in her free times.

J - Jubah

2012 is a good jubah year for me. Had five hand made by the finest tailors of Ipoh (Mak and Umi), another two bought by Opah in Makkah during her umrah with Pak Teh and Mak Teh, and another one is a gift from Muhammad El Rashid, a friend from Sudan. We call him Mumu for short.

K - KOTAK BODOH

This particular phrase still haunts me. I could be mentally traumatised if it had not been for the trip to Telok Batik the next day. Will not be telling the story but it is one of the most powerful, heart breaking and mental injury I have ever experienced since matriculation.

L - Lost
Lost; my spirit, my body and my mind. Still figuring out my way back.

M - Mama & Mak

My two guardian angels, descends from the Heavens above guiding me in the path of purity and righteousness with their own unique set of ways. Mama with her soothing voice and city charms, while Mak with her kampong style of doing things. I had the best from both worlds. They are the strongest women, with an iron heart and bones of steel.  I love you two more than anyone ever will.

N - Nadia

My first little sister made staggering changes in 2012, and I am for one very proud and happy with it. She showed effort to be close to Islam. I always knew she is inclined to the Islamic ways. I pray for this change to stay until forever. Go Nadia, go!

O - Opah
During the course of most of my holidays this year, I spent time in Taiping caring for Opah as she was not well after her umrah. She had high fever right after she came back from Makkah, had a very mild stroke and she fell from the bed as she was going to the toilet in the middle of the night. The experience of taking care a sick elderly person thought me to be very tolerant and patient. And I got to know some of the family secrets as Opah tends to have tongue slips right before she goes to sleep. Hehe don't worry Opah, I'll keep it a secret forever.

P - Payung & Pecel

Ramadhan of 2012, and most of the final months of 2012 I spent most of the time after class in payung and pecel with the boys. Good times, good times.

Q - Queer
2012 showed me true colours of some of my friends, coming out of the closet for good. I am not exactly proud of their acts but they have quite interesting lives and the stories they share are magnificent. Hoping you guys don't go astray too far, come back as soon as possible guys.

R - Rapat Setia Baru
My hometown. Rarely have the time to enjoy my holidays here. But the boys really love it, Ipoh to be exact. The food, the ambiance, the people. Everything is perfect.

S - Solihin, As
How I missed the children. As Solihin, we'll be back with surprises! Insyallah.

T - Twitter

@danieleskay. Shameless self promote. LOL

U - UNIRAZAK / UMTECH / UNITAR
Okay, maybe this needs a little bit of explanation. I am a student of UNIRAZAK, PINTAR Campus. In early 2012, PINTAR Campus was sold of and the administration decided they would name it UMTECH. In mid 2012, once again UMTECH was bought but this time by Equinas and yet the name changes once more to UNITAR. Despite all this, I am still a UNIRAZAK student in UNITAR campus. But to spare me the trouble of explaining to people, I just tell them I am in UNITAR.

V - Voyages 
Trips made by car, bicycle, foot and train. First timers all the way. First night bed train ride to Butterworth, first time I cycled from Sunway to Shah Alam which took me about 4 hours of pain and excruciating journey. I had sore bottoms for two weeks.

W - Wonder
The mind wonders far and abroad with books, the body wonders within financial capacity and the soul wonders beyond the astral realm. Quite a journey, I must say. 2013, I would wonder further!

X - 10.
It's a roman numeral for the number 10. 10 is a special number this year. 10 times I fell, literally and so-to-speak. 10 times we went out for good food with good people. 10 times I went back to Ipoh. Yup, 10 is a good number for 2012.

Y - Y Generation.

Mashallah, this was truly an insight for me. I stumbled upon this phrase a couple of times through my readings but never I thought I would be talking about it in national television. After the invitation I received from UNITAR and RTM, I did some research and to my amazement I was dumbfounded by it. Not because of the explanation of the phrase, but the depths of my knowledge of it. Truly, He is all knowing and my knowledge is just an electron in the vast ocean.

Z - Zul.
I met a lot of Zuls this year. Apart from my housemate, there's Abang Zul UTP from Kelantan. I met him during our rendezvous in Tesco KB. Zulfahmi of UPM, Babal's room mate. Dzulfazlie of JAIS, who showed me you can be anything you want as long as you believe in yourself.

With that, ends my A - Z of 2012. Insyallah, 2013 will be a better year for everyone. Especially for them refugees. Our prayers are with you guys! 

Quote 1

I like this quote:

When you wish upon a star, you are actually a few million years late. 

The star is dead, just like your dreams.

Straight to the point. 

Right in the childhood fantasy.

Anak anak.

Rumah Anak Anak Yatim dan Asnaf As - Solihin, Kanchong Darat, Banting.

Rumah ini terletak di Lot 839, Jalan Aman, Kanchong Darat, 42700 Banting, Kuala Langat. Dikelolai oleh Encik Molyana (Abi) bersama keluarganya.

Namanya Haiqal, umur 7 tahun. Seorang yang hyperactive dan dipanggil OKU (Orang Kuat Usaha) oleh anak anak yang lain kerana dia bersekolah pendidikan khas. Buasnya si Haiqal, masyallah. Hanya Abi sahaja mampu mengawal dia dengan rotan, tetapi yang peliknya dia sangat selesa dengan Aiman dan Aiman senang sahaja mengawalnya.

Aiman Agoes yang berasal dari Sabah. Bukan penghuni rumah ini.

Sesi mengemas rumah dan kawasan sekitar. Saya dan Aiman ditugaskan mengawal keadaan di dalam bilik air. Pada mulanya terkawal dan masing masing seronok bermain air dan sabun tetapi bila datangnya Haiqal, aduhai. Yang bagusnya si Haiqal ini, walaupun dia buas tetapi dia rajin. Apabila dia faham arahan, dia akan buat bersungguh sehingga selesai.

Dan saya perkenalkan, buah hati saya di sana: DANIEL! Darjah satu tetapi kecil sahaja saiznya. Mempertimbangkan untuk dijadikan anak angkat :3

Kami juga membantu menyiapkan kerja sekolah. Nampak anak anak ini berminat untuk belajar cuma tidak ada sesiapa yang ada masa untuk menolong anak anak ini dengan kerja sekolah masing masing. Saya tercengang bila ada yang minta untuk tolong dengan kerja sekolah bahasa Arab, tapi untuk tidak menghampakan harapan saya tolong sedaya upaya. Nasib baik bahasa Arab darjah satu! Ingat lagilah saki baki bahasa Arab yang mudah.

Berbuka puasa dengan juadah yang disediakan dan juadah hasil belian di bazar Ramadhan. Paling menarik di rumah anak anak ini ialah hidangan makanan. Makan dalam talam, I tell you!

Lagu dendangan malam perpisahan daripada anak anak - Rasulullah, Semangat Perjuangan, Anak Soleh dan Qasidah. Daripada kami - Suasana Hari Raya dan Kau Ilhamku. 

Note

भगवान का नाम दयालु

A quick note for myself.
As a fan of languages, these are the languages I should master by the age of 30 (insyallah):

- Semitic languages
- Hindi 
- Tamil
- French
- Javaness

Untold tales.

Listening to tales from Opah gives me a mashed up feelings of happiness, sad, enlightenment and other side emotions as well. Since she's not well after the mild stroke, her speech was impaired and she's not strong as she used to be.

So this semester break I'm here with her, keeping an eye on her just in case Bibik needs any help. So last night during dinner, we had Maggi Kari because Opah was longing for it. She said:

'Opah ni teringin nak makan Maggi. Makan nasik dah muak. Bibik! Masakkan Maggi, kita semua makan Maggi malam ni. Tapi, diam diam tau. Jangan bagitau mama. Nanti mama marah Opah.'

We laughed, then I assist her to the kitchen. During our secret dinner, she starts telling stories how she met with Atok in the 50's. Opah is telling her version of 'How I Met Your Atok' in between her mouthful.

She met with Atok via a friend. Atok, from Sungai Besar Selangor, was in MCKK, Perak and Opah, Pasir Putih Ipoh origin, was in a mengaji school in Ipoh. So the friend approaches Opah telling her that someone wants to get to know her, and she wasn't that reluctant to say no. From there on, they sent letters with photos of each other, with good news and bad news, with a date to meet and so forth. Opah told me, she only met with Atok about 3 times because Kuala Kangsar and Ipoh back then was quite far by bus, and Atok wasn't from a rich background. 

The first time she laid her eyes on Atok, butterflies were all over her stomach. She felt queasy and anxious. It's no surprise, because Atok was heavenly handsome. With the MCKK uniform, white shirt and trousers and shining black shoe and hair was combed to the side with a curl in front, those were the heart-throb fashion back in the days. 

She continued her stories from when Atok went to ask for her hand, their first house, the children, the ups and downs of their life, and her last moments with Atok before he died of stroke. 

'Masa Atok meninggal, Opah langsung tak nangis. Dari hospital, kat rumah masa ada jenazah, sampailah kebumi. Opah tak rasa apa apa. (pause) Tapi bila malam tu tidor Opah nangis sampai Subuh sebab baru Opah rasa sunyi sangat malam tu tak ada Atok..'

By the time she finished her stories, clear tears shed from her eyes. I heard she murmured silently 'Opah rindu betul Atok, insyallah nanti jumpa.' and Maghrib was called upon. She got up, went to her bedroom and I stayed there in the kitchen. It made me realise, she's strong on the outside but on the inside she is very fragile.

Why?

ในชื่อของพระเจ้าพระผู้ทรงกรุณาปรานี

Everyone has their own personal style of garment in regards when it is time to 'hit the sack'. Some people are comfortable in satin pajamas, others like to have only baggy and loose shorts on while others prefer to be indecisive and indifferent on the matter. For me, I prefer myself to put on a nice cotton t-shirt and a sarong.

Why sarong? 

Whaa, lelaki Melayu terakhir! 

You're weird. 

Tak takut ke terselak nampak ****?

Among other popular reactions. I recently asked myself the same question, why? After hours of intense deep reflection, I obtained some acceptable answers to the rhetorical questions.

One: As a Melayu by heart, our family are proud of the customs. Abah used to wear sarong whenever he's at home, but not anymore. He's been westernised and prefer shorts instead. But back in kampong, it is a familiar view to see all the uncles and abahs wearing sarong. Maybe I picked it up from there. The funny thing is, among all the cousins I am prominently seen in a sarong.

Two: I don't like it when my *youknowwhat* can't move freely as it pleases, or as motion wants it to move about. Sarong has unlimited (so to speak) space for it to move and for me to be comfortable as well. Plus, it reduces the heat trapped inside. Higher chances for me to have healthy babies! *wink.

Three: In any cases, I would option for a squatting toilet rather than a sitting one. It's just more comfortable. So in the case of sarong vs. pantaloons, sarong can easily be lifted up once the call of nature kicks in and I am one of those men with bowels eagerly to release the stress whereas with pantaloons, I have to take it off and hang it somewhere in the toilet. That takes time and I don't have time for all the little shenanigans. Verdict: sarong wins!

Inevitably, sarong RuLeZZz!

Kita.

Kita kata “astaghfirullah” tapi hati masih gemar akan maksiat.
Kita kata “wa atubu ilaih” tapi jasad masih melakukan dosa sama.
Kita kata “wa nadimna ya Allah” tapi kesilapan lalu masih kita ulangi.

Kita kata “subhanallah” tapi kita tidak mampu menghayatinya.
Kita kata “alhamdulillah” tapi kita masih tidak bersyukur dengan kurniaanNya.
Kita kata “Allahuakbar” tapi cinta kita lebih kepada dunia.

Kita kata “ma fi qalbi ghairullah” tapi masih ada ruang di hati kita untuk insan yang tidak halal.
Kita kata “aku tak layak ke syurga, tapi aku tak sanggup ke nerakaMu” namun kita hidup di dunia seakan-akan kuat untuk rasa pedih api neraka.

Kita kata kita ingin mendekatiNya,
Namun amal kita tak seiring dengan kata-kata kita.

Saya malu dengan sepasang mata kurniaanMu ini,
Kerana air mata yang mengalir seakan-akan sia-sia.
Saya malu dengan tangan yang sudah lelah mengelap air mata,
Kerana tingkah laku pemiliknya ini tidak menggambarkan saya kesal.
Bahkan saya malu dengan sang burung yang berkicau,
Kerana saya insan yang dinodai dosa..
Sedang sang burung tidak disentuh walau sekelumit dosa.


- Anonnymous, of Tumblr.

Hot topic around election.

بِسْمِ اللَّهِ الرَّحْمَٰنِ الرَّحِيمِ

Caution: This entry contains two parts; (a) and (b). Part (a) comprises of emotions and bias point of view whereas (b) will include nearly fair arguments on the topic discussed.

Topic: Perbadanan Tabung Pendidikan Tinggi Nasional (PTPTN).

The Pakatan promises if they conquer Putrajaya this coming election, PTPTN will be abolished and free tertiary education for all. They have come up with a plan for all the debt to be paid in installment for a number of years. The Kerajaan on the other hand opposed this idea saying it would lead Malaysia to bankruptcy, the rakyat's tax would rise and quality education would seize to existence. Those are the two puppeteer statements on the matter.

Part (a).

Okay here is the thing. All the hullabaloo of this issue, makes me furious for a number of reasons that seems rational to me. I don't know about you guys, but this is my one cent of thought. Foot note: My arguments are free from any partisanship (insyallah).

This free education thing is my cup of tea, in fact, it is everyone's favourite drink. But bear with the fact that quality comes with a hefty price. We are using an education system that comprises services from dedicated executives and lecturers and paying a sum of money for this noble services are incomparable with the knowledge we receive, that lifts us from our jahiliyyah terms and provide enlightenment for our ignorance.

Another thing - PTPTN is a choice, not compulsory. We live in a 'partially' free country, having the freedom to prefer x from y. First, let us define what is loan. Loan /lōn/ - A thing that is borrowed, esp. a sum of money that is expected to be paid back with interest. If you feel burden by the amount you have to pay in the future, you can opt for other financial aids agencies (JPA, MARA, other Yayasans), or to ease the matter, don't apply for any loans at all.

Plus, I am voicing out the minority voice of IPTS student. We are the creditors of PTPTN from IPTS, depend fully on their generousity. Our tuition, semester and exam fees are on our own expenses - regardless our financial background. Thus, PTPTN came to our aid. Our knight in shining armour! In the same aspect, IPTS depends on the mahasiswa's fees to upkeep the quality education and their infrastructures. It is easy for them who is subsidies and supported to say this and that. But to us, without PTPTN we can't further our studies which the fees could reach as high as RM70,000. Not everyone has the opportunity to secure a place in IPTA.

Besides, the money we borrow from PTPTN does not only pays for our education, it also gives us tiny taste of earthly pleasures; paying for the utilities, buying stuffs for 'educational' purposes and some pampering after a semester tiring ourselves. But most of us realise, we do not OWN the money, we OWE them.

In a nutshell (eceh), I am opposing the idea of abolishing PTPTN IF there are no new ideas or mechanism in replacing PTPTN as mahasiswa's financial helper.

Part (b).

There are two different agendas in this topic;

1. Abolishing PTPTN.

2. Giving free tertiary education.

Firstly, abolishing PTPTN means to abolish the establishment and to abrogate all the debts but tertiary education still have to be paid by mahasiswa, heedless of IPTA or IPTS. Secondly, the free tertiary education - meaning anyone eligible from all walks of life can enroll into a program - free of charge.

These two agendas must be execute together, no PTPTN without free education gives the rakyat more weight while it does the same if the situation remains as it is now. Some questions should be asked before implementing such shift, for instance; Will the government give financial support to ALL 20 IPTAs and ALL 462 IPTSes (academies, institutes, colleges, university colleges, universities - up to April 2012)? If so, in what sector should the government impose financial cuts to cover the education expenses? If no financial cuts are imposed on any sector, does the government has what it takes to support all IPTs? And many more questions to be asked.

To my fellow mahasiswas, a popular quote from V for Vendetta goes like this - 'Strength Through Unity, Unity Through Faith'. Some of us searched for the strength in numbers, and with the level of strength they stood up for the things they thought was right for them. As a man of collectivism, I understand the movement but I would be more understanding to their cries and pleas SUPPOSING they know what is good for every present and future mahasiswa of Malaysia - not only to the current debtors of PTPTN.

A tip for the future leaders, stop being hooligans and start acting like mahasiswas - educated and civilised. Know what's good aggregated, if it is, have a strong base on your arguments and PROVIDE ALTERNATIVES. Citing Aiman Azlan's tweet '... there is a fine line between a reason and an excuse'. This is my opinion, the ilham comes from Rabbul 'Alim, the bad also comes from Him added with my own shortcomings. Wallahualam.

Share.

This song has been stuck in my head for a few months. Sharing it for the betterment of all of us.

Not the best of me.

在仁慈的上帝的名义

it has been keeping me awake for quite some times now. not sure if it is forgotten or is it forgiven. to whom ever this may concern, i am sorry for the sins that i had inflict upon you. i know better now. those days were the stupidest of my days, yet. i know better now. and i apologise for everything.

i am a complex being who is capable of seeing the good side of nearly everything, but not this. the only thing i am regretting from this point onwards.

'do not reveal your sins as allah has guarded it from the public.'

pretty sure you are not reading this, but this is all the effort i could make right now to express the feeling of regret and self-pity.

note to self: never EVER do something you'll regret later on. 5 year old me and 50 year old me would not be proud of myself.

this is me.

dengan nama allah, yang maha pemurah lagi maha mengasihani.

assalamualaikum, to everyone and to my future wife. grace and peace be upon muhammad al-amin ibni abdullah, rasulullah s.a.w, may we are blessed with his syafaat in the hereafter.

so this is me and this is who i am. i am waiting for someone - somewhere - unknown there to love me just the way i am. with lots of words i sent to you through allah, hope that someday i'll find you. and i'll keep searching till that day, the day that allah had prepared for us.

amin, ya rabbal 'alamin.

p/s: as going with the flow, this is my response to early marriage. if anyone of you have a slightest niat in the heart, i'd say; GO FOR IT! prepare for any possibilities, you'll never know you'll start a new family at an early age.

A post for the bosses.

in the name of allah, most merciful most beneficent.

my daily routine is to sit and stare blankly into space. staring far without thinking of anything, the mind is just blank. but on one fine day, i did something unusual. that day was quite melancholic. it all started early in the morning:

mama went to bed at 0100, she told me she has to go on a trip to putrajaya at 0430 with her office mates, asking me to wake her up at 0330 if i wasn't asleep. i said insyallah i'll be awake all night.

i have this weird thing going on, i call it insomnia anxiety - a condition where i could not sleep due to high anxiety hours before doing something important. is there any scientific name for it? if not i'm going to name it eskay's syndrome. (in honour of abah, of course.)

it's 0230 and i was on twitter, 4chan and 9gag. that night it seemed nothing amuses me and alas the sleepiness kicks in. i set my alarm from 0300 for every 15 minutes until 0400, and wanted to get some shut eye for just a while. and that was a mistake, ONE (1) major problem with me - i can't hear my alarm went off even if it is plugged into a stereo set.

(insert cazwell - ice cream truck song)

"ASTAGHFIRULLAH! mama mama, it's 0430 already!"

"ALLAHU AKBAR, okay okay." she said as she rushed into the bathroom.

while waiting for mama to get ready, i sat in the living room thinking about mama. she is nearing 50 now, she's not active like she used to be. she said she's tired everyday, back from work she'll be on the sofa taking a nap and at night the television set will watch her sleep in front of it. i know it is a natural thing, but one thing went through my mind was 'when will the clock stops ticking?'

"jom, let's go!" mama said quite loudly indicating she was done in just under 10 minutes and ready to go.

so that was mama. in the afternoon, i did the same thing to abah.

"d, help me with this laptop. why isn't youtube load my video properly? is it the internet or the laptop?" abah asked me in despair. it is so cute when our parents ask our assistance in helping them with the technology.

so after abah was pleased with the internet, he laid his body on the sofa for his afternoon nap. i was watching the television, sat on the opposite side of abah, changed my view from the tv to him. i noticed his grey hair is much more visible now and his hair is thinning, his wrinkles grew more and more, his belly grew bigger and himself grew weaker day by day. he's 50 now and still acts as if he is still in his 30's.

and warm tears flowed down my face.

as i watched him, i thought of the same thing 'when is it the clock stops ticking?'

will i be prepared to lose them?

what will happen to me, to us, when they're not here anymore?

oh the never ending questions went on and on. i know we can't think about it too much. quoting ustaz hasrizal from saifulislam.com:

Bahawa hanya mati yang berpotensi menjadi worst case scenario, dan mati itu pula sesuatu yang terlalu pasti. Fikir mati, mati. Tak fikir mati pun, mati. Bersedia untuk mati, mati. Tak bersedia untuk mati pun, mati!

i need to prepare myself, i remembered ustaz don daniyal don biyajid's lecture on 'children - assets to heaven or hell'. from the video, he discussed this hadith:

"When a person dies, all action is cut off for him with the exception of three things: sadaqa which continues, knowledge which benefits, or a righteous child who makes supplication for him." (Rawahu Abu Hurairah)

'a righteous child who makes supplication for him' does not only implies that the children always have to pray for their parents, but the children needs to lead the funeral ceremony. from bathing, enshrouding, praying and burial.

am i prepared? are we?

Creator and the creations.

bismillah al-rahman al-rahim.

today marks my 21st year of being alive, alhamdulillah. it was 252 months of normal humanoid activities or 7560 days of excretions or 181440 hours of thinking, wondering and dreaming or 10886400 minutes of gaseous exchange and above all, it was 653184000 seconds of Allah's grace to me, His servant.

throughout the remembered years of my life it is frankly quite hard when i think i need to please everyone with desirable behaviour, etiquette, acceptable thoughts and such as each person varies in likes and dislikes but it slipped my mind.. i was brought to Earth to please and serve Allah SWT, our creator.

A creator creates his creation as the creator's desired functions, abilities and skills. The creation dwell among other creations of the creator, to work harmoniously and continues to be good at it. does the creation needs to please other creations? NO. does a creation needs to understand and tolerate in the bounds of the creators will and wish with other creation? YES.

from this point onward, i'll straighten up myself. i'll be a man, a strong desirable thoughtful Muhsin. insyallah.