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b/p: anak salleh.


A post for the bosses.

in the name of allah, most merciful most beneficent.

my daily routine is to sit and stare blankly into space. staring far without thinking of anything, the mind is just blank. but on one fine day, i did something unusual. that day was quite melancholic. it all started early in the morning:

mama went to bed at 0100, she told me she has to go on a trip to putrajaya at 0430 with her office mates, asking me to wake her up at 0330 if i wasn't asleep. i said insyallah i'll be awake all night.

i have this weird thing going on, i call it insomnia anxiety - a condition where i could not sleep due to high anxiety hours before doing something important. is there any scientific name for it? if not i'm going to name it eskay's syndrome. (in honour of abah, of course.)

it's 0230 and i was on twitter, 4chan and 9gag. that night it seemed nothing amuses me and alas the sleepiness kicks in. i set my alarm from 0300 for every 15 minutes until 0400, and wanted to get some shut eye for just a while. and that was a mistake, ONE (1) major problem with me - i can't hear my alarm went off even if it is plugged into a stereo set.

(insert cazwell - ice cream truck song)

"ASTAGHFIRULLAH! mama mama, it's 0430 already!"

"ALLAHU AKBAR, okay okay." she said as she rushed into the bathroom.

while waiting for mama to get ready, i sat in the living room thinking about mama. she is nearing 50 now, she's not active like she used to be. she said she's tired everyday, back from work she'll be on the sofa taking a nap and at night the television set will watch her sleep in front of it. i know it is a natural thing, but one thing went through my mind was 'when will the clock stops ticking?'

"jom, let's go!" mama said quite loudly indicating she was done in just under 10 minutes and ready to go.

so that was mama. in the afternoon, i did the same thing to abah.

"d, help me with this laptop. why isn't youtube load my video properly? is it the internet or the laptop?" abah asked me in despair. it is so cute when our parents ask our assistance in helping them with the technology.

so after abah was pleased with the internet, he laid his body on the sofa for his afternoon nap. i was watching the television, sat on the opposite side of abah, changed my view from the tv to him. i noticed his grey hair is much more visible now and his hair is thinning, his wrinkles grew more and more, his belly grew bigger and himself grew weaker day by day. he's 50 now and still acts as if he is still in his 30's.

and warm tears flowed down my face.

as i watched him, i thought of the same thing 'when is it the clock stops ticking?'

will i be prepared to lose them?

what will happen to me, to us, when they're not here anymore?

oh the never ending questions went on and on. i know we can't think about it too much. quoting ustaz hasrizal from saifulislam.com:

Bahawa hanya mati yang berpotensi menjadi worst case scenario, dan mati itu pula sesuatu yang terlalu pasti. Fikir mati, mati. Tak fikir mati pun, mati. Bersedia untuk mati, mati. Tak bersedia untuk mati pun, mati!

i need to prepare myself, i remembered ustaz don daniyal don biyajid's lecture on 'children - assets to heaven or hell'. from the video, he discussed this hadith:

"When a person dies, all action is cut off for him with the exception of three things: sadaqa which continues, knowledge which benefits, or a righteous child who makes supplication for him." (Rawahu Abu Hurairah)

'a righteous child who makes supplication for him' does not only implies that the children always have to pray for their parents, but the children needs to lead the funeral ceremony. from bathing, enshrouding, praying and burial.

am i prepared? are we?

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